You’re Doing It Wrong: Bathroom Conversationalist

by Pat B on January 4, 2012

Am I the only one who likes to use the restroom in peace? The concept of having a conversation whilst pissing is just weird to me. You’re standing there, with your doodle in your hand, talking about your kid’s soccer game last night? That doesn’t seem gross to anyone else? We might as well kick one of the stall-doors down and play a quick round of cross the streams. Would that make you happy?!

What’s worse than that is what seems to happen to me all the time; I’m on my way out of the bathroom when someone else walks in and starts talking to me. Great, now I have to fucking stand there while you babble on with your back to me, staring at your dick (as if it might do something different than it always does). Just say “hello” or “how’s it going?” if someone is on their way out, not shit like “did you see that episode of …” or “does this look infected to you?”

I can understand why people make conversation at the urinal. It’s kind of an awkward moment just standing there right next to someone in dead silence, listening to nothing but the relaxing sound of urine hitting a half worn out urinal cake (because really you’re just trying to break apart the other half anyway). This is why I LOVE restaurants that have TV screens or newspapers mounted above each urinal. It diverts attention away and is entertaining.


Now I don’t know what it’s like for girls in the stalls, but I imagine it’s similar to when we have to use them. Sitting there, having the best round of Tetris in your life, when your new neighbor starts talking to you. How did you know I was even in there? Did you look under the fucking stall to see my shoes?! It’s even better when it’s a complete stranger who just happens to be the friendliest person in the world and want’s to share with you the latest is world/political news.

All this boils down to a simple philosophy I have. Respect bathroom time. If it helps, pretend like when you walk into a bathroom that you’ve just been pulled over by a cop. Keep your words short and sweet and don’t make direct eye-contact.

Oh and one more thing. If you’re bringing your kids to work, tell them not to play in the fucking bathroom, specifically not to crawl and peek under the stalls when people are using them. There are few things as shocking as seeing these little creeps peek under the door at you. Thank you.


{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

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Pat b January 4, 2012 at 8:41 pm

umm..did the kid in the stall thing actually happen to you?


Simple Pleasures January 7, 2012 at 1:36 am

If that’s a little girl in the mens bathroom? Then you have more serious things to worry about than privacy. You need to have a chat with your HR department and get some mental health benefits for family counseling for the parents of that kid. Next thing you know you’ll be on utube cause the kid just found a great use for their new Christmas present an iphone!


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