Nerd School: The Science Fiction A-Team

by Joe on May 24, 2011

The in-depth fantasies that grow within the nerd mind, and often erupt into debates are often made up of the stuff of granduer. Whether to be a Jedi or a Sith, Trek vs. Wars, or perhaps the oldest and greatest: Mary Ann or Ginger? However one that I myself have always fancied is the formation of the science fiction dream team. The sort of Traveling Wilburys of the space set.

First off we need a ship. Sure there are lots of great contenders for this role. But where to begin? Lets look at size first. Do we want big or small?

Big ships have there purpose, They are usually war ships in the sci-fi universe. Bristling with weaponry and defensive capabilities, they ships roam the black seas of space in search of their prey, on missions of enforcing peace or inciting war.

They've gone plaid!!!!

Why the hell would I want that? We could look at tons of large ships capable of combat and which would take out the other easier, but in reality what is the purpose of our ship? is it war? For me, I say no, I’ve always liked the concept of the renegade, the smuggler, the outlaw, and that archtype never really rode around in the big ship, the always had small ships.

Serenity would be  great ship, its got cool rooms for playing basketball, a toilet (no other ship I’ve ever seen has a toilet), but unfortunately it’s not equipped with any weapons, shields, etc.  I also contemplated having a White Star, but anyone whose seen Minbari beds knows that they would not be that comfortable. One of my dream ships would be the Defiant, but it lacks the charm of a ship that is pretty much cobbled together.

The best example is of course the Millenium Flacon, the fastest ship in the galaxy. It made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs (measurement of distance not time, of course). It has everything you need for its purpose, holes in the bulkhead for hiding your illicit cargo, modified weapons, shields, and hyperspace capabilities. Also it only really has room for 8 people making it the perfect size for our needs.

And it's a chick magnet...

Ok, the one thing I’m not going to pick today is a captain. for sake of this exercise I’m going to choose myself as the captain, because lets face it, a captain picks his crew.

So who’s Cap’n Joe going to choose for a  first mate? The obvious choice is Chewbacca, but when you think about it, Chewie would probably be a little light on conversation. Chewie’s an all around guy pilot, first mate, mechanic, etc. He’s essentially Han Solo’s bitch, but he needs to be because he’s the only other guy on the ship. But I don’t need that.

Wookie’s are essentially slave labor in the guise of a life debt

Riker (post beard) would be a good pick, but he’s too much ofa ladies man. Kirk did it best in being the ladies man captain. No one should get more tail than the captain. Speaking of which we also have Zoey, but she’s going to have to bring Wash along, and I don’t need to have a married couple onboard. That’s pretty much the same reason I wouldn’t bring Saul “Frackin” Tigh on either.

I think the best bet for me would be Susan Ivonova. She’s a hard working Russian who can lay the smack down when needed. She is also a lesbian which would eliminate the Janice Rand effect. She has shown herself to be capable of following orders and breaking the rules when it is appropriate.

and she's early 90's hot

Next up is my pilot. Pilot from Moya would be a great pick, but he would be stuck on the ship the entire time, so that’s no fun planetside.  Wash is the same as Zoey, a great pick, but I don’t need the two of them onboard together, that just leads to complications. Also I believe he is currently stuck in another position

At this moment Browncoats became brownpants!

So what about Sulu? I like Sulu, he’s got sword fighting chops, and is an avid botanist. Also Sulu wouldn’t get in the way of the captain getting chicks.

Oh My......

However I think I’m going to have to go with another pilot from the Star Trek universe. Data is exactly what I need in a pilot. He’s super smart, strong, great reflexes. He’s also probably make a great wingman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJmjB1GvJO0

Next I need a mechanic. The obvious choice is between Geordi and Scotty. Geordi is obviously better trained. He’s been through Star Fleet, and even those he does most things by the book, he knows his work-arounds. Scotty on the other hand is more of a grease monkey. He’s the guy who will immediately throw out the directions. Also Scotty would be the ultimate drinking buddy, as he loves his Romulan ale and loves to get into fights with Klingons. The problem with both of these picks however is that they are able to work with the unlimited resources of Starfleet. I need someone who is willing to work on a budget.

This man should be on my ship...

Enter Kaywinnet Lee Frye. She’s like Scotty, except she can keep a ship running with ejecting the warp core every other movie. She’s a bit of a technopath in that she feels how the ship is working. Plus she can do it with spit and band-aids.

and she's adorable....

Next up we need a doctor. We could pull in Jennifer Keller from Stargate Atalntis, but that would be awkward (sexily awkward). Speaking of Stargate,  Janet Fraiser from SG-1, or even Carson Beckett would be a good pick, but I feel that Stargate doctors have a bad history of kicking the bucket a little too much for my tastes.

I would include Simon Tam from Firefly, but his character always bugged the shit out of me, so I’m leaving him off the list.

Doctor from Voyager would be an interesting crewmember, what with being a hologram, but much like Pilot from Fascape, he really can’t leave the ship. Speaking of Star Trek we have a long litany of doctors who we could include. We have Beverly Crusher, but then we’d have to bring along Wesley and that’s a big no.

STFU WESLEY!!!!!

Then we have Bashir, who is actually an underrated character, but he simply pales in comparison to the guy that pretty much defined Starfleet medicine. That’s right Leonard “Bones” McCoy. Essentially he’s the country doctor who knows how to cure any ailment. Plus he’s got just enough spunk to tell you what’s what, but not in a dick way.

Finally we have the muscle, the guy in your group who you’re going to want to have your back in bar fight at Quark’s, or helm the weapons when a Klingon Bird of Prey decloaks off your port.  This is the toughest category for me. So many great chgaracters fit this role. Jayne, D’Argo, Worf, Dex, they all pretty much meet the pinacle of the guy you want watching your back (with the exception of Jayne, I don’t quite trust him.)

would you trust this face?

Just based off my gut I’m going to go with Teal’c. He’s the warriors warrior, he’s got a cool weapon, and and he has a catchphrase.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRea0YwWYAQ

Seriously do you need anything else from muscle? Yes I am aware of the tretonin situation, but that’s why I brought along a kick-ass doctor.

Of course this is my crew, and yours of course would be better for oh so many reasons.

Read Joe’s other articles: Star Trek: A Different Generation, An Alternate History of the Doctor, Inn at the Crossroads interview, A Love Letter to Natalie Portman, Failed Star Trek Spinoffs, Thor Primer, Doctor Who Season 6 primer, A Game of Thrones Primer, More

Check Joe’s reviews Game of Thrones S1E2, S1E1, S1E3, S1E4,S1E5, S1E6 Doctor Who S6E1, S6E2, S6E3, S6E4, S6E5


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