The day you feared the most has finally come. And no, I’m not talking about walking in on your parents banging it out. This is it. Zombie apocalypse. End of days type shit. Where survival is all you need to worry about anymore. And this may cause a lot of confusion. Because not everyone can act rationally in a time of terror (just remember the last time you realized a spider was crawling on you). So let’s take this time to go over the basics of what you need to know during the world’s end.
Shelter is going to be your most important part of surviving this living nightmare you are in. And I have thought long and hard about this, so you best believe I’m right. I have decided your best bet is to set up shop at your local Home Depot. There is a large quantity of building supplies to make yourself a comfortable AND secure fortress. And many gas powered generators to keep your iPod charged and your Blu-ray player running for months. Also, what I like about the Home Depot, are the sizable over-head garage doors in the front of the stores. This permits you to pull up the brand new Ferrari you “acquired” right next to your new housing. Allowing for a speedy getaway, if such scenario is necessary. A friend of mine (whom frequents my bed) suggested that Wal-mart would be adequate living quarters too. I don’t necessarily disagree. I like that it has a ton of food, and plenty to keep you entertained. I mean, who wouldn’t want to watch 50 flat screens at once while playing table tennis (ping-pong for those of you who don’t know anything). But as team leader, I’ll be leading the Alpha unit to the local lumber yard. Godspeed Omega team. May you find what you’re looking for at Walmart.
Now on to another key element of survival in these trying times. No matter how much you love a person, if they are bit you gotta take them out. Right away. No exceptions. That nigga dead. I’m over this “well maybe they will find a cure”. Aids has been around forever. If they cant figure that out, your pregnant girlfriend of 3 months isn’t going to make it. At least this way you won’t have to pay child support. So please people, do the responsible thing, and make sure to help end the growing zombie nation. Kill. Kill. Kill.
Now I think once you have set up shop, taken care of any loose ends in the group, you should be able to enjoy yourself a little. Start looting. That $30,000 necklace you wanted, take it. Also, you wanted your best friend’s (who’s now a zombie) collection of baseball cards? Well hello Babe Ruth rookie card. Shopping just got that much more fun, cause everything is free!! It’s the simple things in life, and that isn’t going to change just because your brains are now a delicacy. Maybe wear a football helmet while you’re looting.
And finally, let’s please still remember our manners. Just because the world as we know it has forever changed, doesn’t mean we can go around being little piggies. You still need to clean up after yourself. Your momma is dead, but she still raised you better than that. Respect the normal rules of living. Chew with your mouth shut, wear deordorant, don’t fart around everyone, don’t push God onto people, no roofie colada’s, etc. These are the basics that will never change. If you’re going to act like a D-bag, well then I just might “mistake” you for a zombie. Suck it.
I’m trying to keep this brief, so I only wanted to cover the most important parts of what you’re about to go up against. Lots of scenarios are going to occur that weren’t even covered here. You’re going to have to make the choice, of whether to wrap it up or not, in that moment of lust fueled by the fear of death. I can’t be there every moment of the day. Because chances are, I’m out joy riding in my new Challenger with a bag of blow on the passanger seat. So with that, I wish you the best of luck in the new world.
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