Nerd School: A Love Letter to Natalie Portman

by Joe on April 27, 2011

Natalie Portman, I simultaneously love and hate you. You are the Schrodinger’s Cat  of celebrity crushes.

I’ll admit it, I have a lot of celebrity celebrity crushes with my favorite being a tie between Amanda Bynes and Rachel Leigh Cook, but Ms. Portman is definitely in the top10 if not the top 5.  I mean she’s the thinking man’s Keira Knightly! What man wouldn’t have a crush on her? She’s made some amazingly nerdy nerdy movies.

First off we have Mars Attacks!

Let’s face it Natpo’s only 4 months younger than me, so when I first saw her weird little connected earlobe self, the 15 year old me instantly crushed. Not to mention how awesomely bad Mars Attacks! was. I mean this movie was a HUGE release in ’96 It was supposed to be funny/campy, but nearly every joke fell flat. I mean 15 year old me thought Sarah Jessica Parker’s head on a dog’s body was hysterical, but there is no accounting for taste.

Then we actually go back in time to 1994’s The Professional (yeah I know it’s Leon, but fuck you, Mid-town video’s box said The Professional, and that’s what I call it). I only do it this way because I didn’t see The Professional until much later in high school. Portman basically gets this in the plus column  because of Gary Oldman

I also discovered in 1995 she was De Niro’s step daughter in Heat. ‘m in the minority by saying that I’m not a huge fan of Heat. Too long. But still when she was 14 she acted with De Niro and Pacino  before Pacino went really crazy

This was taken before he went crazy. Think about that

In 2004 she wore a pink wig and you kinda saw her butt in Closer

that is all

Then Ms. Portman went on to adapt one of my favorite comics V: for Vendetta in 2006. Once again she is overshadowed by better actors, in fact I think it was just about every member of England’s acting society. I think her pseudo-english accent held her back, but V wasn’t about Evey, it was about V.

It’s also worth mentioning that Portman did her first Nude scene in 2007’s Wes Anderson’s Hotel Chevalier short. This would have been amazing for the mid 20’s me except for two things. She was rocking the Manic Pixie Dream Girl haircut from V and she made out with Jason Schwartzman.

Ugh....This upsets me just looking at it

This year she did Your Highness which was fun, and year she’s doing Thor, Literally and figuratively, at least according to the plot (see what I did there?) But in both of these movies I feel like she’s an ancillary character.

So is there any good “Natalie Portman”  movies. Well I can think of 2.

She did the one movie which endured her to every male on the planet: Garden State. Her performance in Garden State made me so depressed because after watching that movie I realized that Natlie Portman would never be mine. I mean FUCK! she’s so fucking adorable in this movie.

Then she did Black Swan and won the Oscar. Google the scene, do it, it’s worth it.

Sweet Jesus! again!

Sweet Jesus! again!

So then Nat’s got a decent career with Nerd cred, why do you hate her Joe? Well even though she’s got the nerd school cred she’s done some shitty shitty movies.

Most notably The Star Wars prequels.

I am so shocked that these didn’t kill her career. I mean FUCK! Why is a queen elected? No, no, I’m not getting into this rant, it’s been covered far better by people far more talented than me.

Seriously though, I would forgive all of her other shitty movies before I would forgive the part she played in the prequel shitfest.

Better than her acting in all three prequels

So why do I love Natalie Portman, well to put it succinctly, she’s my Manic Pixie Dream Girl. She’ll forever be Sam from Garden State for me.

Why do I hate her?

Fuck You George Lucas, you ruined Star Wars, and almost ruined Natalie Portman.

Check Joe’s reviews Game of Thrones S1E2, Doctor Who S6E1, Game of Thrones S1E1

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Kevin April 28, 2011 at 7:58 am

I like that your crush on Natalie Portman actually centers more around her male costars. I think it might be time to wonder whether Gary Oldman should replace her on your top 10.


Anthony April 28, 2011 at 8:28 am

He’s the only man that could take down Indiana Jones.


Anthony April 28, 2011 at 8:28 am

Gary Oldman, not Joe.


Doug April 28, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Amanda Bynes?

And you gave Pat B shit about Nintendo…

I’m right there with you on Rachel Leigh Cook though.


Eric April 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I never though I’d hear Joe use the word ‘adorable.’


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